The Suckiness Saga I
by Jumi
Summary: Quite possibly the greatest story ever told... ever. No, it's not the Bible, it's just the Bible of suckfics, the Suckiness Saga,. the tale of all the characters who suck and are fed up with it.


The Suckiness Saga

The Suckiness Saga  
by  
Robert Silvers

Chapter 1: Can We Help It if We Suck? 

*A lone enemy squire wanders into a bar.*   
Squire: Damn it. I just got kicked out of a party because I suck.   
Malak: I know how you feel, dude. My sister and I got the boot too.   
Rafa: Yeah. It really sucks. We should start an organization for people who suck.   
Altima: SILENCE, FOOLISH MORTALS! Er, I mean, there already is such an organization, and I run it! Come on over to Riovanes, and I'll tell you more.   
*Later, at Riovanes*   
Malak: Why are we meeting at Riovanes? I hate this place.   
Rafa: I guess it's irony. We joined here, and we suck, and Velius died here, and he was DA MAN.   
Cait Sith: What's with this stupid invitation I got? I'm loveable, damn it!   
Yuffie: Like, I totally do not suck! This is so bogus. Somebody's gonna pay.   
Barry Horowitz: I'm a wrestler, for crying out loud!   
Relm: Hm. Something tells me I should not be here.   
Umaro: Grrruuu! Umaro like suck! Umaro suck!   
Gau: Uwaoooo~! Mr. Thou! Gau not suck!   
Altima: SILENCE FOOLISH MORTALS! I have called you here for a reason! You all freakin' suck! I suck too, because I had level 99 T.G. Cid and Beowulf and Ramza beating on me, and I WASN'T EVEN ON LEVEL 50 YET! I mean, c'mon, Beowulf's Drain took off 850 hp? What the hell is that?   
Malak: Enough of your mouthing! What do you want?   
Altima: *strikes out at Malak, who dodges, then gets hit anyway, but is unhurt, because they both suck* SILENCE, IMBECILE! YOU WILL NOT QUESTION THE ALMIGHTY ALTIMA! I'M THE SON OF GOD!   
Rafa: Yeah, whatever. T.G. Cid didn't seem to think so.   
Altima: DO NOT EVER MENTION HIS NAME IN MY PRESENCE, OR YOU DIE, PUNY MORTAL FEMALE!   
Rafa: Know your role and shut yer hole, Altima, and smell what the Raf is cooking!   
Barry Horowitz: Uh oh! She's gonna do the People's Elbow!   
Cait Sith: The best damn elbow in the business!   
Malak: Why?   
Gau: BECAUSE GAU SAY SO!   
Daravon: And that be line tat are bottom... wait minute, I not sucking be doing, so I guy tat not belong here. Bye tat are good!   
Malak: See you, Tutorial Guy!   
Daravon: This's the way!   
*Daravon vanishes*   
Altima: ORDER! I called you here because, like it or not, you all suck. But together, we can take over this world, and force all to kneel 'neath our suckiness! Who's with me?   
All: YAY!   
Voice: I hope I'm not late.   
Altima: I give you, the prince of suckiness himself, EDWARD THE BARD!   
Edward: AND DON'T CALL ME SPOONY!   
Relm: Mind if I paint your portrait? 

To be continued... 

Chapter 2: Will the Suckiness End? 

*A flash of light, and an unknown appears in Ivalice*   
Dan: What? How did I get here?   
Altima: SILENCE, PUNY MORTAL! I, THE ALMIGHTY ALTIMA, SON OF GOD, SUMMONED YOU! BOW IN MY PRESENCE!   
Dan: Uh... no.   
Altima: Okay.   
Dan: So, dude, what do you want?   
Altima: DO NOT QUESTION ME! Er... I mean, come with me.   
*Altima leads Dan to a courtyard where thousands are practicing, all lead by a certain "spoony" guy...*   
Altima: Dan, you are known for your suckiness on Street Fighter. We are the sucky characters, and we have united to rid the world of all the other characters... the Cyan Garamondes, the Cloud Strifes, the T.G. Cids of the world. The Sagats...   
Dan: He killed my father! Boocha-boo-CHA!   
Altima: Er... yeah. Anyway, this is our army of the darkness. Look before you... Umaro, Gogo, Rafa, Malak, Worker 8, Vicks, Wedge...   
Squire: Sir, Vicks and Wedge were killed...   
Altima: No matter. They'll be back before long. So, Dan, will you join us, or will you feel the power of the almighty Altima... er, I mean... WILL YOU KNEEL 'NEATH THE FIERY WRATH OF THE ALMIGHTY ALTIMA?!   
Dan: Uh... yeah, I'll join. Why not?   
Altima: Bwa ha ha ha!!!!   
*Elsewhere in the castle*   
Edward: Excellent! That foolish angel is falling for my plan! No one calls me "spoony" and lives! You will pay, Tellah!   
*In the dungeon*   
Yuffie: Why did those guys, like, lock us up?   
Cait Sith: Because we wouldn't join their army of darkness and evil.   
Yuffie: Aw. They're so mean. Like, maybe we could escape.   
Cait: No can do. There's too many of them. They have us out-sucked.   
Relm: Uh... what happened.   
Cait: You're coming to...   
Relm: What? Damn those sucky bastards! I don't suck! They're gonna pay for this!   
Gau: Uwaoo~! Gau no suck! Gau hurt evil angel!   
Yuffie: *unlocks the cell door* Cool. With my ninja prowess I like, totally escaped, and stuff. I'll untie you, and then we can like, get out and stuff.   
*Daravon appears*   
Daravon: Greetings off course! Items used are items consumed during the battle! This's the way!   
Cait: Oh, mighty Daravon, how do we escape?   
Daravon: You gotta believe!   
Cait: ...   
Daravon: Tat is all for now. I will be around tat are you need. This's the way!   
*Daravon vanishes*   
Relm: Well, let's blow this popsicle stand.   
Gau: Uwaoo~!   
Relm: I want to paint Altima's portrait!   
Cait: The spoony bard is mine! 

To be continued... 

Chapter 3: How to Build an Army: Another chapter in the Suckfics 

*An army of "less-than-good" characters stands posed to march into Nosgoth, the Legacy of Kain world*   
Altima: This is our first challenge, great fighters... we face the legions of the Nemesis as a well as the army of King Ottmar... we must not fail!   
Edward: Yes, heroes and heroines, today is the ultimate test... will we die today as heroes, or live tomorrow as slaves?   
Malak: Um... actually, I'd prefer neither.   
Altima: SILENCE, IMPETUOUS DOG!   
Edward: Anyway, before we march into glorious battle, I've hired a band to play our victory theme.   
Rafa: Oh no... he's going to sing!   
Edward: SILENCE! It's not me... it's... I give you... HANSON!!!   
All: NO!!!   
Malak: But they... suck!   
Altima: YOU DARE TO QUESTION THE BLOODY ANGEL'S TASTE! I WILL DEMOLISH YOU, PUNY MORTAL!   
Edward: Of course they suck... so do we!   
Malak: Somehow... I doubt the validity of this plan.   
Altima: Alright, warriors! Prepare to move out!   
*Meanwhile, in the dungeon... our heroes...*   
Yuffie: Okay, like, totally fer sure be careful and stuff.   
Cait Sith: Why did we appoint you leader?   
Relm: WHEN did we appoint her leader?   
Yuffie: Like, I'm a ninja and stuff, and skilled in the arts of silence and stealth, and whatever. So, shhhh!   
Gau: Uwaoo! Guard around corner! Uwaooo!   
Guard: La dee da... *sings along* MMMBop... MMMBop... You really are my... mmphh!   
Yuffie: *with a sleeper hold on the guard* And, he's like, totally napping and stuff.   
Cait Sith: Good job...   
Yuffie: Like, thanks. Whatever.   
Relm: Somehow, I think we are destined to fail.   
*Daravon appears*   
Daravon: Greetings off course! And how are you to be escaping?   
Cait Sith: Yeah... we're trying to get out? So, how do we?   
Daravon: This's the way!   
Relm: Are you sure, gramps?   
Daravon: Off course! Items used are items that are consumed during the battle.   
Gau: Uwaoo~! Mr. Thou crazy!   
Sabin: He's Mr. Thou, not me!   
Relm: Sabin! How'd you get here?   
Sabin: The others sent me to check on you and Gau. Why'd you go to Riovanes?   
Relm: I got an invitation.   
Sabin: That's as good a reason as any.   
Yuffie: We're like, trying to escape this evil castle and stuff, dude.   
Sabin: Who're you?   
Yuffie: Yuffie, materia hunter, from FFVII.   
Sabin: Never heard of ya.   
Cait Sith: Psst! Aeris dies.   
Sabin: Who's Aeris?   
Cait: Have you been living in a cave the last two years?   
Gau: Uwaoo~! Gau live on Veldt! Uwaoo~!   
Yuffie: As if I like cared and stuff.   
Relm: Mind if I paint your portrait?   
Sabin: No!   
Cait: Anyway, how do we get out of here?   
Daravon: This's the way!   
Sabin: He seems to know.   
Cait: But he's insane.   
Daravon: Daravon is professor tat are not insane!   
Cait: Uh... yeah.   
Sabin: Professor... uh... Daravon... how do we get out of here?   
Daravon: Exit is a space located on random tiles, like Deep Dungeon. Search well and find hidden items! This's the way! *begins walking*   
Sabin: Let's follow him.   
Yuffie: Hold it, Mr. Hotshot! I'm like, the leader here and stuff!   
Sabin: Okay. So what do we do?   
Yuffie: Like... hmmm... let's follow him.   
*They follow Daravon*   
* A lone figure with white hair watches Altima's armies prepare to march into Nosgoth*   
Figure: Hmm... this is interesting. These losers seem to have formed some sort of army. I wonder if Shinra will dispatch the SOLDIERs to take care of them? No matter... they will soon join the planet.   
*Figure teleports away* 

To be continued... 

Chapter 4: A Spanking, and No Supper 

*In Nosgoth*   
Altima: Okay... group... we're almost there.   
Malak: Altima, how are we supposed to take over if we can't even find the damn castle?   
Altima: SILENCE! DO NOT QUESTION THE ALMIGHTY ALTIMA! I AM THE SON OF GOD! FURTHERMORE, I CAN TALK IN ALL CAPS!   
Malak: I'm beginning to think you don't like me.   
Gogo: I'm beginning to think you don't like me.   
Malak: Stop mimicking me, you damn bozo!   
Gogo: Stop mimicking me, you damn bozo!   
Malak: Okay... Gogo sucks ass!   
Gogo: Okay... Gogo... Damn!   
Malak: Okay... Gogo... Damn!   
Gogo: Stop that!   
Malak: Stop that!   
Altima: SILENCE, IMBECILES, OR FACE THE FIRES OF HELL!   
Malak: Ummm... he started it!   
Altima: SILENCE, I SAID! I WILL SPANK YOU IF NECESSARY!   
Malak: *quietly* I'll be good.   
Altima: That's better... now let me examine this map.   
*Suddenly... a gong... bells... a heart beating...*   
Altima: WHAT IS THAT INFERNAL NOISE? TURN THAT HANSON CRAP OFF!   
Isaac Hanson: It's not us!   
*Suddenly Sephiroth drops down and runs Isaac Hanson through, then cuts down the remaining Hansons, then begins cutting down the rest of Altima's "army"*   
Altima: WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?   
Sephiroth: Don't worry... they'll all join the planet... you will join the planet.   
Altima: DAMN! STOP SLAUGHTERING MY DAMN ARMY! DAMN YOU! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?   
Seph: Several reasons. First, the planet needs energy. Second, you talking in all caps is annoying me. Third, you stole my angel form-   
Voice: You mean my angel form! Vwee hee hee!   
Seph: Damn.   
Altima: WHAT IS THIS DISTURBANCE?   
Seph: Stop that!   
Altima: Er... I mean, what is this disturbance?   
Kefka: It is I, Kefka! Starter of fires, destroyer of villages, scourge of... uh... the FF6j/3 world.   
Seph: This is madness.   
Kefka: Altima... you stole my angel form, and I demand retribution! But first, you... Sephiroth!   
Seph: You got something to say?   
Kefka: I demand retribution!   
Seph: Fine. How about my Masamune?   
Kefka: Er... I was thinking money.   
Seph: No dice. I am the only true one-winged angel.   
Kefka: Never! Listen to my music, and quiver in fear!   
*Kefka's angel music begins playing*   
Seph: Ugh. More like quiver in agony. That sucks! Listen to this.   
*Seph's OWA theme begins playing. Kefka bows his head.*   
Kefka: Drats! I'll still have your head on a pike, Altima!   
*Kefka hits a couple of soldiers with the Light of Judgement, then vanishes*   
Malak: Oh my god, he killed Vicks and Wedge!   
Rafa: That bastard!   
Seph: Silence!   
*Seph cuts down Rafa and Malak*   
Altima: Stop killing my army!   
Seph: Don't worry... they all join the planet eventually.   
Altima: But I need them now.   
Seph: Fine... you big baby...   
*Seph casts Life 2 on Altima's soldiers*   
Seph: There. But be warned... I've got my eye on you. Any more copyright infringement, and I'll be back.   
Altima: *quietly* I'll be good.   
*Seph vanishes, and reappears in Limberry*   
Algus: Who the hell are you?   
Seph: Die!   
*Algus is cut down*   
Elmdor: What is the meaning of this?   
*Seph raises his arms and looks up*   
Elmdor: Must follow... mas..ter...Seph...iroth...re...union...   
*Seph and Elmdor vanish*   
*Meanwhile, our heroes...*   
Yuffie: Okay... we're finally, like, out of there.   
Cait: Good job, Yuffie. *whispers to Sabin* Remind me to congratulate Cloud on his "good" job when we return.   
Sabin: Who's Cloud?   
Cait: Ugh.   
Daravon: Told you I tat would get you out of the way tat were the castle! Off course!   
Relm: This guy's cuckoo.   
Gau: Uwaooo~! Mr. Thou!   
Sabin: He's Mr. Thou!   
Daravon: Mr. Thou is Thou tat are Mr. Off course!   
*Daravon vanishes*   
Yuffie: Well, at least he like, got us out of there and stuff.   
Sabin: Look... there's the Blackjack... hey, Setz!   
Setzer: *from Blackjack* Hey! Let me land!   
*Setzer lands, and the Highwind pulls up*   
Setzer: I was wondering where you were. At least I found you. What's that?   
*Highwind lands*   
Cid: What in the !@#$% is going on here? What the !@#$% kinda love-fest is this?   
Cloud: Hi, guys. What's going on?   
Yuffie: Like, these evil guys that like, suck and stuff, captured us, but I like, led the group to safety... and stuff.   
Cloud: It'll be all right.   
Cid: !@#$%! You're doing it again!   
Setzer: Who did this?   
Cait Sith: Some weird guy that could talk in all caps.   
Barret: LIKE THIS?   
Cait: How'd you do that?   
Barret: It's magic. Some weird guy... must be them damn Shinra!   
Cait: You have absolutely no reason whatsoever to believe that.   
Barret: Shu'up, cat!   
Cloud: Hmm. This is not good.   
Cid: Stop doing that!   
Cloud: Doing what?   
Cid: Never mind.   
Setzer: Well, I've got the rest of the gang aboard the Blackjack, so let's all get together and decide what to do.   
Cloud: Good idea.   
*Group boards the Highwind, except for Setzer, who goes to the Blackjack to get the others* 

To be continued... 

Chapter 5: The Battles Ahead 

*Somewhere in Nosgoth*   
Malak: Altima, we've been walking for days. Where is this "great and glorious battle" we're supposed to fight?   
Altima: SILENCE, MORTAL! DO NOT DARE TO QUESTION THE ALMIGHTY ALTIMA! TO DO SO IS DEATH!   
Rafa: Remember what Sephiroth said about talking in all caps?   
Altima: Damn! Well, don't question me, Malak!   
Worker 8: SYSTEM DATA ERROR! SAVE TO DISK?   
Altima: What?   
Worker 8: ENEMY APPROACHING.   
Altima: Hot damn! That must be Ottmar!   
*Elsewhere, across the battlefield*   
Ottmar: The scourge of the video game world is upon us. We shall die today as heroes, lest we live tomorrow as slaves...   
Knight: But these guys... suck.   
Ottmar: Very well, then. I guess they'll die today.   
Knight: Cool.   
*Meanwhile, awaiting the battle*   
Kain: Vae victis... suffering to the conquered... soon the tide of tortured souls shall roll across the land, leaving a trail of blood and destruction in it's wake.   
*Back at the Highwind*   
Cid: Okay, Yuffie, one more time, tell us what's going on, in !@#$%ing coherent terms!   
Yuffie: Gawd, you're so mean! These guys kidnapped us, and were all, like, you know, join us in the army of suckiness and stuff. They threw us in the dungeon, but we escaped thanks to me.   
Cloud: This could be a problem.   
Cid: !@#$! You're doing it again!   
Cloud: Doing what?   
Cid: Stop saying it like a wuss!   
Cloud: Oh. Very well... Looks like it's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum. It's a damn shame we're all out of gum.   
Cid: Hell, yeah!   
Barret: Quit wit' da jive talkin', you spikey-headed foo'!   
Setzer: Anyway, it seems there's an army of sucky characters that are trying to take over the video game universe. What are we going to do?   
Edgar: Well, since we're all heroes, and we don't suck, let's just go take them out.   
Tifa: Anyway, who's their leader?   
Cait Sith: Some guy that could talk in all caps... Ultima or something.   
Relm: I think it was Altima.   
Cloud: Altima! I remember him from my Final Fantasy Tactics days! He... sucked, as far as last bosses go.   
Cyan: Apparently thine Altima is looking for his vengeance.   
Barret: Let's get da foo'!   
Cloud: Perhaps we should go to the Tactics world, and see what we can turn up.   
Cid: We can go now. I just have to warm up the Highwind.   
Cait: Amazing! Two sentences without a curse word!   
Cid: Shut the !@#$ up, cat!   
Cait: So much for that record.   
Cloud: All right, everyone. I guess this is it.   
Cid: !@#$! Stop saying it like that!   
Cloud: Uh... I mean, let's move out! 

To be continued... 

Chapter 6: Eat Wheaties, Drink Milk (or, Beef, It's What's for Dinner) 

*Somewhere in Nosgoth*   
Malak: Are we almost there yet?   
Edward: Shut up, you irritating Heaven-Hell whatever you are! I'm going in the right direction, damn it!   
Rafa: Then how come we aren't there yet?   
Edward: I don't know! You must be doing something wrong.   
Malak: Where did Altima go, anyway?   
Edward: He flew a few miles ahead to check for Ottmar's troops.   
Dan: *comes running* Sir, Edward, we've got trouble! Troops are rapidly advancing from the south!   
Edward: Well, this is it... *whistles loudly, and everyone turns to face him* Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages... are you ready?   
Malak: Ready for what?   
Edward: Are you ready?   
Gogo: Ready for what?   
Malak: Don't mimic me!   
Gogo: I wasn't. I just-   
Edward: I said, ARE YOU READY?   
Rafa: Remember, Seph doesn't like all caps!   
Edward: Then let's get ready to... SUCK IT!   
Malak: Ew...   
Dan: It's an expression... I think.   
Edward: Alright, folks, let them come to us... it's only a matter of time, now.   
*Meanwhile, in the land of Castlevania*   
*Sephiroth and Elmdor teleport in*   
Sephiroth: This is the place.   
Elmdor: Mas...ter...re...union...Seph...iroth...come...to...cra...ter...   
Seph: Yeah... that's it.   
*A zombie approaches*   
Zombie: Eat...brains...   
Elmdor: Re...union...   
*The zombie lunges at Seph, who quickly dodges*   
Seph: *snaps his fingers* Elmdor!   
*Elmdor approaches the zombie and does "Blood Suck" which causes the zombie to slump over, dead*   
Seph: Excellent.   
*Alucard appears*   
Alucard: What is the meaning of this? How dare you enter my abode!   
Seph: *snaps his fingers* What did you say?   
Alucard: Mas...ter...re...union...eat...Wheaties...drink...milk...beef... It's...whats...for...din...ner...   
Seph: Uh... yeah. C'mon, bozos.   
*The three teleport away*   
*Meanwhile, on board the Highwind, the FFVII crew, along with the FF6j/3 crew have convened*   
Cid: We're approaching that !@#$ portal at high speeds...   
Setzer: We should make it...   
Cid: Hold on to your drawers and don't piss in 'em!   
Barret: Them damn Shinra!   
Cait: What brought that on?   
Barret: Shut up, cat!   
Yuffie: I am so airsick!   
Relm: Get over it!   
Yuffie: Gawd, your like, so mean!   
*A bright flash of light*   
Cid: Whew! We !@#$ing made it!   
Edgar: Where did that portal come from, anyway?   
Cait: Plot contrivance.   
Edgar: Oh. That explains it.   
Cloud: Well, welcome to the Final Fantasy Tactics world... 

To be continued... 

Chapter 7: Conditions for Winning: Defeat all enemies! 

*In Nosgoth*   
Edward: All right, Ottmar... come get some!   
Malak: I wouldn't worry about that. He's on his way now.   
*Altima flies in and lands*   
Altima: Ottmar is advancing from the South. Let's give 'em hell!   
Rafa: All right! This's the way!   
Altima: SILENCE WITH THE MISERABLE DARAVON-ISMS, WHELP!   
Malak: Uh... don't forget about what Seph said about talking in caps.   
Altima: D'oh!   
Dan: Any orders, sir?   
Altima: Go throw fireballs at them or something.   
Dan: But my fireballs don't go any farther than my arm.   
Altima: Hm... then be careful.   
Dan: Uh... o-okay... yes, sir.   
*Dan leaves*   
Edward: Spoony fighter.   
Gogo: Spoony fighter.   
Edward: Stop that, you damn mimic!   
Gogo: Stop that, you damn mimic!   
Edward: Cease!   
Gogo: Cease!   
Altima: SILENCE, PATHETIC WHELPS! ON BEHALF OF THE MOON, I WILL PUNISH YOU!   
Malak: Huh?   
Altima: Wait... that didn't come out right...   
*Elsewhere in Nosgoth*   
Ottmar: Men, the battle lies ahead. Give them hell!   
All: Aye!   
Kain: Vae victis...   
*On board the Highwind*   
Cloud: All right, set the ship down here.   
Edgar: Exactly what are we looking for?   
Cloud: I don't know. Just visit towns and find out if anyone's seen anything... unusual.   
Edgar: Okay. I'll take Sabin, Strago, and Terra with me.   
Cloud: Cool.   
Barret: I be goin' too, foo'!   
Edgar: Okay. Let's go.   
*They leave*   
Cloud: I'm going to check with Ramza Beoulve and see if he knows anything. Who wants to come along?   
Mustadio: Me!   
Cloud: How did you get here?   
Mustadio: I don't know. Plot contrivance?   
Cloud: More like glitch. I don't think you're supposed to be in this yet.   
Mustadio: Okay. See you later then.   
*Mustadio vanishes*   
Yuffie: I'll go with you. I'm like, so airsick, and stuff.   
Cloud: Who else?   
Mog: Kupo! I'll go, kupoppo!   
Cid: I'm stayin' to take care of my airship. Plus, Dukes is comin' on in five !@#$ing minutes!   
Setzer: Dukes is on? Cool! I'm staying too!   
Locke: I'll go with you. There could be treasure to find.   
Cyan: I shalt go with thee.   
Cloud: Uh... yeah.   
Tifa: I'll go.   
Cloud: Well, this should be enough.   
Cid: !@#$! Stop sayin' it like that!   
Cloud: Sorry. I mean, move out!   
*They disembark*   
*Elsewhere*   
Sephiroth: Okay... who's next on the list?   
Elmdor: Re...union...mas...ter...phiros...   
Alucard: North...Cra...ter...join...plan...net...   
Seph: Stupid clones. Shut up! Aha! It's some guy named Setzer...   
*In Ivalice, at Gariland Magic City*   
Edgar: Well, let's split up and search.   
Squire: Okay... we're takin' this city over!   
Edgar: What the-?   
Squire: Who're you? Just a bunch of kids! What luck!   
Barret: Shut yer hole, foo'! 

CONDITIONS FOR WINNING   
Defeat all enemies! 

AT LIST: 

1. Edgar   
2. Vicks (enemy)   
3. Sabin   
4. Lucedelia (enemy)   
5. Kupoppo (enemy)   
6. Terra   
7. Barret   
8. O' Bannon (enemy)   
9. Strago   
10. Wedge (enemy) 

*Meanwhile, elsewhere in Ivalice*   
Cloud: Good to see you again, Ramza. How ya been?   
Ramza: Not too bad. I've been in hiding from the church. My whole family's dead, except for Alma, who was so traumatized by the Altima episode that all she can say is, "This's the way!" and "Off course!" Other than that, though, I've been well.   
Cloud: Glad to hear it. What about everyone else?   
Mustadio: I'm fine, thanks.   
Cloud: Glad to see you made it back here safely.   
Mustadio: I just had to check the script.   
Yuffie: So, like, what is there to do around here?   
Ramza: Uh... well, you could... well, ah... uh... you could always play a reed flute.   
Yuffie: Bo-ring!   
Cyan: We are lookest thou for thine Altima. Hast thou seeneth him?   
Ramza: What did he say?   
*Daravon appears*   
Daravon: Let me translate! Cyan are guy tat say: Looking are we for Altima guy. You seen him have you?   
Ramza: Uh...   
Locke: Cyan said, "We're looking for Altima. Have you seen him?"   
Daravon: Off course!   
Ramza: I haven't seen him, but I've heard rumors. It is said that he was organizing some "sucky characters" army and going to take over some other world. We didn't worry because... well, he sucked.   
Cloud: We need to know where he's at.   
Cyan: Knowest thou?   
Ramza: Huh?   
Daravon: Cyan is guy tat are asking, you not are to be knowing where Altima going is to take over?   
Ramza: Huh?   
Locke: Cyan wants to know where Altima is.   
Ramza: Oh, I don't know.   
Beowulf: GIVE ME BACK THOSE DAMN ZODIAC STONES! Those are dangerous!   
Yuffie: Zodiac stones? Oh. I like, thought they were materia and stuff. Here. *hands a small bag back to Beowulf*   
Beowulf: Okay, now- HEY! Where did my damn money go?   
Yuffie: Don't look at me.   
Beowulf: You! *points at Locke* YOU DAMN THIEF! Give it back!   
Locke: Call me a treasure hunter or I'll rip your lungs out!   
*A fight ensues*   
Cloud: Locke! Stop it!   
Ramza: Beowulf! Enough!   
Cloud: They aren't listening.   
T.G. Cid: This is no good.   
*Cloud senses somewhere Cid is saying, "!@#$! You're doing it again!"*   
*T.G. does Holy Explosion, killing Locke and Beowulf*   
Ramza: That should teach them. *tosses Phoenix Downs on them*   
Locke: Ow. That hurt like a bitch.   
Beowulf: I'll take my money, now, thanks.   
Locke: Okay. Here you go. *hands Beowulf a bag of money*   
Beowulf: That's better and- HEY! Now where's those damn Zodiac stones?!   
Yuffie: Like, sorry! 

To be continued... 

Chapter 8: Oh my god, they killed [insert name here]! 

*In Gariland, Edgar, Sabin, Strago, Terra, and Barret have just defeated their foes*   
Edgar: Luckily, we beat these thieves.   
Wedge: Phantom Thief Zero will rise again! Ugh... *dies*   
Sabin: Oh my god-   
Vicks: You haven't seen the last of me! Ugh... *dies*   
Sabin: Oh my god, we killed Vicks and Wedge!   
Terra: Bastards!   
Barret: Foo's!   
Strago: Whipper-snappers!   
Rei: Well, don't that just beat all?   
Edgar: How'd you get here?   
Rei: It's in my contract. I have to say my catchphrase every so often, or I'll die a horrible, painful death.   
Terra: How?   
Rei: I have to listen to a John Tesh/Kenny G duet.   
Sabin: Ouch.   
*Rei disappears*   
*A villager walks up*   
Villager: Thanks for saving us, but the princess is in another castle.   
Edgar: What?   
Barret: Shu'up, you damn Shinra!   
Sabin: Say, you seen anything strange?   
Villager: Some guy named Daravon came through here recently saying "Off course!" and "This's the way!"   
Sabin: What's so strange about that? That's in practically every Square game.   
Villager: Well, that's about the strangest thing recently. Oh, yeah... and an army of sucky characters came through heading somewhere called Nosgoth.   
Edgar: Thanks for sharing.   
Villager: No problem. By the way, you got any digestive medicine? There's only one toilet in town and somebody has been in there all day. I've been doing the pee-pee dance, but no one seems to care.   
Barret: Then rush da foo'!   
Edgar: Uh... yeah... you just wait for us and we'll go get it...   
Villager: Okay... I'll wait in the center of town.   
Edgar: Yeah... that's it. Cool.   
*Villager leaves*   
Edgar: Well, let's get back to the Highwind.   
*On board the Highwind*   
Cid: Hell, yeah! Go, Dukes, go!   
Setzer: That sheriff'll never get them! Ha!   
Shadow: ...   
*A commercial comes on*   
Cid: *whispers to Setz* Why is Shadow here anyway? Shouldn't he be out with the others.   
Setzer: But see, the author forgot to write a part for him, so he just gets to sit around here. Of course, he doesn't get paid.   
Shadow: ...   
*Dukes comes back on*   
Cid: !@#$! That !@#$ damn Boss Hog!   
*At Igros*   
Cloud: So, you don't have any idea where Altima was headed?   
Ramza: No, but wait...   
*Ramza leafs through a booklet*   
Cloud: What is it?   
Ramza: The script says Edgar and the others have already found out, so it doesn't matter.   
Cloud: Cool. I guess I'd better go defeat him then. Anybody want to come along?   
Ramza: Not me. I'm retired.   
Cyan: I shant imagineth. Thou hast a game that lasteth tenneth of thine years.   
Ramza: Huh?   
Daravon: Cyan are knight tat are of saying, your game is a game tat lasted ten of the 365 day things that consist of twelve months.   
Ramza: What?   
Locke: Cyan said your game lasted ten years.   
Ramza: Yeah, and I never got any older, except when I chopped my ponytail off.   
Cloud: At least you got to change clothes! Look at us!   
Ramza: Anyway, I'm staying here. Anyone else want to go?   
T.G. Cid: I'll go. It's getting kinda boring here.   
Daravon: And I are professor tat be going with you.   
Cloud: Cool. I guess we'll be off then.   
*Cloud, Yuffie, Tifa, Cyan, Locke, Mog, Daravon, and T.G. Cid leave*   
Yuffie: How come we, like, didn't have any lines and stuff?   
Tifa: I don't know. Probably because the author is a cheapskate and wrote more characters than he can write for.   
*A bolt of lightning strikes Tifa dead*   
Cloud: Oh my god! Tifa! She'll never laugh, or cry, or get angry! What about my pain? What are we supposed to do? Damn you, Sephiroth!   
*A Phoenix Down falls on Tifa*   
Tifa: Ouch. That stung. I've learned never to insult the writer. He's terrific!   
*Everyone leaves*   
*In Nosgoth*   
*Altima's army and Ottmar's armies have met, and Altima and Ottmar meet in the center of the battlefield*   
Altima: I hope you are prepared to be decimated by my might and power!   
Ottmar: Never, knave! I'll hack you from crotch to gizzard and feed what's left to your brides!   
Malek: Stop stealing my lines!   
Malak: Stop stealing my name!   
Edward: Enough! Let us do battle!   
Dan: Imitation HA-DO-KEN!   
Altima: ATTACK!   
Ottmar: ThunderCats, ho! Er... I mean, attack! 

To be continued... 

Chapter 9: Vwee Hee Hee 

*Onboard the Highwind*   
Cloud: Okay... we know where Altima is, now what are we gonna do?   
Barret: Let's rush da foo'!   
Yuffie: Like... I dunno... whatever.   
Cloud: Come on, people, any ideas?   
T.G. Cid: Well, first we need to get to Nosgoth... but how do we get there?   
Setzer: Let's fly the Airship there.   
Cid: But we don't know where the !@#$ it's at? Damn, I'm pissed!   
Red XIII: I know! Let's check the script!   
Edgar: We can't. That part hasn't been written yet.   
Red XIII: Damn.   
Locke: I know!   
*Locke pulls out a book*   
Locke: I got it! Here's the address, Cid.   
T.G. Cid: I'm Cid.   
Cid: He means me, you !@#$ing jackass. Stupid multiple Cids...   
Cloud: How'd you find that, anyway, Locke?   
Locke: Simple. I looked it up in the Interdimensional Phone Book.   
Cloud: Oh.   
*Rei appears*   
Rei: Well, don't that just beat all?   
*Rei vanishes*   
Cloud: Anyway, get on it, Cid!   
Cid: Don't give me orders, you !@#$!   
Cloud: Sorry.   
*Suddenly, Red XIII, Mog, Celes, Shadow, and Relm disappear*   
Cid: What the !@#$?   
Barret: Where'd dey go?   
Cloud: Hey, where are they?   
Voice: Sorry. They were kinda of boring and useless, and since I don't like writing for so many characters, I sent them back to their homeworlds. Don't worry, though. They're okay, and they'll be back if they're needed.   
Cloud: Oh. Well, I guess that's okay. Anyway, off to Nosgoth!   
*In Nosgoth*   
*Altima's army and Ottmar's army are fighting, with neither side gaining a clear advantage (despite the fact that Altima's army sucks)*   
Altima: Damn! We must win! I have to use the dreaded...   
Edward: No!   
Dan: Don't be a fool!   
Rafa: You can't!   
Malak: That's madness!   
Umaro: Ung'haaaaah!   
Mog: Kupo!   
Malak: What are you doing here? You don't suck.   
*Mog vanishes*   
Altima: Yes, I must use the dreaded "Mystery Summon!"   
*A white light appears before Altima*   
Crow: What the-? How'd I get here?   
Malak: Altima, you idiot, what do you want him for?   
Altima: SILENCE! DO NOT SPEAK TO THE HOLY AJORA, THE SON OF GOD, THAT WAY!   
Rafa: All caps, Altima...   
Altima: Sorry. Anyway, I'll just use this handy "De-Summon" materia.   
Crow: You mean "Plot Contrivance" materia!   
Altima: Silence!   
*Altima uses the materia and Crow vanishes*   
Altima: Oh, that was a mistake. That was the "Mystery Science Theater 3000 Summon" materia. Here's the "Mystery Summon" materia.   
*A white light appears before Altima, and a figure emerges*   
Edward: Oh, no.   
Gogo: Oh, no.   
Edward: Stop mimicking me, you dope!   
Rafa: This is not good.   
*Rafa senses that somewhere, Cid is saying, "!@#$! You're doing it again!"*   
Malak: Not him... anybody but him...   
Umaro: Ung'ghaaaah!   
Dan: Who is he?   
Figure: Vwee hee hee!   
Altima: What have I done? NOO!!!   
Kefka: Time for people to die! How I crave destruction! Vwee hee hee!   
*Kefka flies into the air and begins using the Light of Judgement, decimating both armies*   
Altima: You bastard! You freakin' dope!   
Kefka: Vwee hee hee! What fun is war if no precious lives are lost?   
*Suddenly, the Highwind flies into the area*   
Cid: Who the !@#$ is that?   
Edgar: Oh, no! That's Kefka! He's supposed to be dead!   
Cyan: He is the guy that hath killeth mine family!   
Cloud: What'd he say?   
Daravon: He say, Kefka are guy tat are the killing tat are of my family.   
Cloud: Uh... yeah... thanks for translating.   
Daravon: Off course!   
Barret: What are we gonna do? What about Marlene?   
Cloud: This is not good.   
Cid: !@#$! You're doing it again!   
Cloud: I mean, let's rush da foo'!   
Barret: Don't steal my lines, foo'!   
Cloud: Uh, I mean, uh, let's tat are guy tat are to be killing.   
Daravon: This's the way!   
Sabin: Just a thought, guys: What ARE we gonna do?   
Edgar: I've got it! Let's insert a chapter break here!   
Cloud: That's it! Alright, everyone, concentrate... 

To be continued... 

Cloud: Woo! We did it! 

Chapter 10: Retreat, Retreat! 

*Onboard the Highwind*   
Sabin: Okay, the chapter break's over... now what are we gonna do?   
Cait Sith: Uh... we gotta believe!   
Cid: !@#$! You're doin' it again!   
Cloud: I didn't say anything.   
Cid: I mean those !@#$ing Parappa references!   
Edgar: Anyway, what are we gonna do?   
Barret: Let's ram him.   
Setzer: That isn't a good idea. He could rip this ship apart.   
Cid: Ram him? Are you outta your !@#$ing mind? That's insane!   
Cloud: Any other ideas?   
T.G. Cid: I could probably take him.   
*Red XIII appears*   
Red XIII: It's true. He is The Most Over-Balanced Character Ever to Appear in a Square Game.   
Cloud: Good idea.   
*Red XIII vanishes*   
T.G. Cid: Got a parachute?   
*On the battlefield, and above it*   
Altima: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT !@#$ING NUT DOING? HE'S DESTROYING MY ARMY!   
Malak: You just answered your own question.   
Altima: SILENCE!   
*Vicks and Wedge suddenly get hit by the Light of Judgement*   
Rafa: Oh my god, he killed Vicks and Wedge!   
Edward: Bastard!   
Altima: This must stop!   
Dan: Go up and stop him, then.   
Altima: How do I get up there?   
Rafa: Uh, boss, you got wings.   
Altima: SILENCE! DO NOT MOCK THE ALMIGHTY ALTIMA!   
Rafa: All caps...   
Altima: Oh, yeah... Anyway...   
*Altima flies up to meet with Kefka*   
Altima: What are you doing, you freakin' nut?   
Kefka: Mindless destruction! Vwee hee hee!   
Altima: Enough! *casts Stop*   
Kefka: Vwee hee hee! That spell won't work on me!   
*Suddenly, T.G. Cid drops out of the Highwind in a parachute*   
T.G. Cid: I should get to Kefka shortly... What's this?   
*T.G. Cid suddenly encounters a group of monsters and robots*   
T.G. Cid: What the crap? Enemies? In the sky?   
*In the Highwind*   
Edgar: Oh, no! It's an FF6j/3 plot contrivance! Enemies in the sky!   
*Back to T.G.*   
Robot: Running Ultros' Battle Program*   
T.G. Cid: Heaven's wish to destroy all minds! Holy explosion!   
*Robot is destroyed*   
T.G. Cid: Who else wants some?   
*Suddenly, T.G. Cid lands, amidst the fighting*   
T.G. Cid: Damn! I wasn't supposed to land! How do I get to Kefka now?   
*Enemies surround T.G. Cid*   
Enemy squire: DIE!!!   
T.G. Cid: HOLY EXPLOSION!   
*Squire dies*   
Nosgoth Knight: Die!   
T.G. Cid: LIGHTNING STAB!   
*Knight dies*   
*Suddenly, loads of people continue to attack T.G., who cuts them all down in turn*   
T.G. Cid: I've got an idea!   
*In the airship*   
Daravon: I got a good feeling!   
*On the battlefield*   
Dan: Who's that guy out there in the cloak?   
Malak: Oh, crap! I'm getting outta here! That's T.G. Cid!   
Rafa: T.G. Cid! I thought he was feeding the worms, kupo! We've got to get out of here!   
Edward: Why?   
Malak: T.G. Cid is a BAD DUDE! You don't wanna mess with him!   
Edward: Rubbish! I'll take him on with my harp!   
*Edward walks away to fight T.G. Cid*   
Malak: I feel sorry for him.   
*Edward returns crawling back, with a tattered outfit, and singed hair, and a busted harp*   
Edward: Ugh... help... me...   
Rafa: I'll toss a potion on him.   
*Rafa tosses Edward a potion*   
Edward: Thanks. Ugh. That dude is bad.   
Dan: Nonsense. I'll show him my Shoryuken!   
*Dan leaves to face T.G. Cid*   
T.G. Cid: Just a few more...   
Dan: Yo! T.G.! Shoryuken!   
*He hits T.G. Cid on the armor*   
Dan: YOUCH!   
T.G. Cid: I'm sorry. I was busy. Did you say something?   
Dan: Uh... nothing... important...   
*Dan runs away, quickly*   
T.G. Cid: Oh, well.   
Enemy squire: DIE, T.G. CID!   
T.G. Cid: Shellburst Stab!   
*Enemy squire dies*   
Vicks: You're going down, T.G.!   
Wedge: Yeah!   
T.G. Cid: Holy Explosion!   
*Vicks and Wedge die*   
Malak: Oh my god, he killed Vicks and Wedge!   
Gogo: Oh my god, he killed Vicks and Wedge!   
Rafa: That bastard!   
Edward: Whoa! Deja vu!   
*Back to T.G. Cid*   
T.G. Cid: That does it! Climbing this pile of bodies should give me access to Kefka. *climbs up the pile of bodies*   
*Back to Kefka and Altima*   
Altima: YOU IMPETUOUS FOOL! YOU WILL DIE!   
Kefka: Vwee hee hee!   
Altima: De-Barrier!   
Kefka: Vwee hee hee!   
T.G. Cid: Aha! Kefka! And Altima too! I can kill two birds with one stone! Lightning Stab!   
Kefka: ARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!   
Altima: NOT AGAIN... TOO... MUCH POW... ER...   
*Kefka dies*   
Altima: Must teleport... away... all Tactics villains... have the ability... must do... it...   
*Altima teleports away*   
*Down on the ground*   
Altima: Let's get outta here!   
Malak: I'm with you!   
Rafa: Me too!   
Gogo: Me too!   
Rafa: Don't mimic me, damn you!   
Edward: Silence! Let's go!   
Dan: Retreat!   
Umaro: Ung'ghaaaa!   
*Altima, Malak, Rafa, Gogo, Edward, Umaro, and Dan teleport away*   
Kain: This sucks. Who do I get to kill?   
Ottmar: There's tons of Tactics enemies from Altima's army out there.   
Kain: Oh, yeah... Heh heh... Vae victis...   
*Kain leaves to join the carnage*   
*On board the Highwind*   
Cloud: Let's descend to pick up T.G. Cid.   
Cid: Stupid !@#$ing multiple Cids...   
*Cloud throws a ladder, and T.G. climbs it*   
T.G. Cid: Well, Altima was defeated and got away, but Kefka is dead.   
Cloud: Cool. I suppose we'd better get you back to Ivalice.   
Daravon: I are guy tat return to Ivalice too! This's the way!   
*Suddenly, Sephiroth, Elmdor, and Alucard appear*   
Sephiroth: There you are! Come here Setzer!   
Setzer: Who are you?   
*Seph snaps his fingers*   
Setzer: Must...follow...mas...ter...Seph...iroth...north...   
Seph: Yeah, yeah, let's go!   
Cloud: Sephiroth! What are you doing here?   
Seph: No time to explain, but you'll thank me one day!   
Cloud: Never!   
Seph: Sorry! I'll see you later!   
*Seph, Setzer, Alucard, and Elmdor disappear*   
Edgar: Oh my god, he took Setzer!   
Sabin: Bastard!   
Cloud: This is not good.   
Cid: !@#$! You're doing it again!   
Barret: Let's rush da foo'!   
Locke: Don't you ever say anything different?   
Barret: Shut ya hole, foo'!   
Locke: Oh, yeah... that.   
Cyan: We haveth to getteth back Setzer... eth.   
Cloud: We don't know where he went.   
*Red XIII appears*   
Red XIII: I know.   
Cloud: Where?   
*Red hooks up a small laptop into the Highwind's phone jack*   
Cid: That better not raise the !@#$ing phone bill!   
Red XIII: This isn't good. He's at the City of the Ancients.   
Cloud: Oh no. We have to go back... there.   
Edgar: How'd you figure that out?   
Red XIII: Simple. I downloaded ICQ.   
*Rei appears*   
Rei: Well don't that just beat all?   
*Rei disappears*   
Cloud: Then everyone... to the City of the Ancients... 

To be continued... 

Chapter 11: Grand Finale, or, You Spoony Flower Girl 

*At the City of the Ancients*   
Cloud: Well, we're here.   
Cid: Geez! Stop sayin' it like a !@#$ing wuss!   
Cloud: I mean, move out.   
Daravon: Off course!   
*Near the bottom*   
Sephiroth: Damn! That goldfish and that damn seaweed is still here. Damn!   
Elmdor: Fol... low... mas... ter... north...   
Setzer: This... guy... are... sick...   
Alucard: You... spoony... bard...   
Sephiroth: Shut up, you idiotic clones! Now, about this seaweed... FIRE 3!   
*Seaweed is incinerated*   
Seph: Okay, now we should be able to go on.   
Elmdor: To... open the way to go... forward... make your wish here and it... will be granted!   
Seph: As Barret would say, "Shut ya hole, foo'!" Come on.   
*The descend down the stairs*   
*Later, at the stairs*   
Cloud: The seaweed... it's gone!   
Barret: That foo' be goin' back to da City of the Anchunts!   
T.G. Cid: This is not good.   
Cid: !@$#! Now you're doin' it!   
Edgar: Perhaps we should continue on, eh?   
Cloud: Good idea.   
*They descend*   
*Seph is at the bottom of the City of the Ancients, where Aeris died, with the clones gathered around*   
Seph: Klatuu nichto verata...   
Cloud: Stop, Sephiroth!   
Seph: What?! Oh, hi Cloud.   
Cloud: Hi, Cloud? What the hell? We're mortal enemies!   
Seph: Not for long. You'll like what I'm doing now.   
Sabin: Enough babble! Release Setzer or feel the Bum Rush!   
Cyan: Letteth him go, dark one, or tasteth the steel that is my blade!   
Cait Sith: Now we have the typical hero catchphrase convention...   
Barret: You damn Shinra!   
Seph: Well, since I am somewhat of a villain in this story, I'll explain my scheme to you. You see, these clones contain very strong life forces within them. Since, ahem, there's only one Sephiroth, we don't need these clones, so I'm sending them to join the Lifestream. This will allow us to resurrect Aeris.   
T.G. Cid: Diabolical!   
Cait: That wasn't that diabolical.   
T.G. Cid: I'm used to Altima's grand schemes of world domination. I did come from the Tactics world, after all.   
Cloud: Resurrect... Aeris?   
Seph: Yes... it is possible.   
Edgar: But you can't kill Setzer!   
Seph: Well, what do you suggest I do? I need some clones, and these are the only three I could find. Malachite and Ghaleon won't return my calls.   
Cloud: But... Aeris... do you have to kill them all? Couldn't you just kill one of them.   
T.G. Cid: I'm sure we'd all vote for Elmdor... he was one evil !@#$!   
Cid: Spoken like a true !@#$ing Cid!   
Seph: Well... this is a lot of energy... I suppose I could let Setzer go... but I have to have the other two... they are just clones, after all.   
*The group nods and converses amongst themselves, FF6j/3 style*   
Cloud: Okay... it's settled. Let Setz go, and you can have the other two.   
Seph: Okay. *snaps fingers* You're free to go, Setzer.   
Setzer: Whoa! What a rush! *looks at his watch* Damn! I missed Dukes!   
Cid: What?! I missed Dukes? !@#$!   
Seph: If it's any consolation, these two won't really die, they'll just go back to their home worlds. And since Square reincarnates villains, and Alucard's already dead, more or less, we should see them again.   
Cloud: Well, get it over with.   
Seph: Okay... 1... 2... thr-   
Voice: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!   
T.G. Cid: Altima!   
Edward: I'm not Altima, you dope!   
T.G. Cid: You were talking in all caps.   
Seph: All caps? I HATE THAT!   
Edward: Anyway, drop those clones, Sephiroth!   
Seph: I'm not holding them.   
Edward: You know what I mean! Release them! And Setzer too! I have my own evil scheme to enact.   
Seph: But my scheme isn't evil.   
Edward: I don't care.   
Cloud: You know, you're contractually obligated to tell us...   
Barret: Yeah, so speak up, foo'!   
Edward: Okay. You see, I must use the life force of these clones to revive my nemesis, Tellah!   
T.G. Cid: If he's your nemesis, why do you want to revive him?   
Edward: Because... he... called me... SPOONY! I must kill him.   
Cloud: But he's already dead.   
Edward: Aren't you listening? That's why I want to revive him!   
Cait: I get the feeling his elevator doesn't go to the top floor.   
Daravon: You spoony bard!   
Edward: Don't ever call me that!   
Seph: You want the clones? Fight me for them.   
*Cloud and Co. step back*   
Edward: Let's go! 

CONDITIONS FOR WINNING:   
Defeat Edward the Spoony Bard! 

Edward: I AM NOT spoony! 

CT LIST 

1. Sephiroth   
2. Edward   
3. Sephiroth   
4. Edward 

Seph: Aha! I get to go first! Neener neener!   
Edward: D'oh!   
Seph: Now how should I kill him?   
*Seph pulls out what looks like a magic 8-Ball, shakes it, then turns it right-side-up and reads the message to himself*   
Cloud: What on earth is that?   
Daravon: Tat.   
Cloud: I mean "tat." Drat! I mean, "that!"   
Seph: My Magic 8-Ball of Death. It tells me how to kill people, for when I'm low on ideas.   
Cait: How macabre.   
Cloud: What does it say?   
Seph: You'll appreciate this, Cloud.   
Cloud: Huh?   
*Seph vanishes, only to drop down from the ceiling running an unexpecting Edward through*   
Edward: You... bastard...   
Sabin: Oh my god, he killed Edward!   
Edgar: You bastard!   
Seph: He's gone to join the planet.   
*Seph withdraws his Masamune and walks back to the clones*   
Seph: 1... 2... thr-   
Cloud: Wait!   
Seph: What?   
Cloud: Edward's... body...?   
*Cloud points to Edward's body, which is emanating an eerie light, Edward begins to stir*   
Edward: Man, that stings! Anyway, I'm... back!   
Seph: What the hell?   
*Edward rises and is now a purple, winged, cloven hooved creature... a spoony version of Devil Kazuya from Tekken 2*   
Edward: I'm now... DEVIL EDWARD! One more time, you long-haired jerk! Let's go one more time!   
Seph: Whatever. *pulls out magic 8-Ball* 

CONDITIONS FOR WINNING:   
Defeat Devil Edward the Spoony Demon! 

Edward: I AM NOT SPOONY! 

CT LIST 

1. Edward   
2. Sephiroth   
3. Edward   
4. Sephiroth 

Edward: Ha! I get to go first! Neener!   
Seph: Two words...   
*Seph D-Xes Edward, and Edward glares back at him*   
Edward: Face... the Harp of Doom!   
*Edward plays, and everyone starts to get drowsy*   
Edward: You cannot resist! Bow down!   
Seph: *sleepily* Never!   
Edward: What? Oh no, my CT is up!   
Seph: Ha ha! Time to die! Hit the music, boys!   
*A hidden choir begins the One-Winged Angel theme. Seph disappears and reappears in the sky in his OWA form*   
Edward: Dear god, no!   
Seph: Oh yes! Time to join the planet!   
*Cloud and Co. back up further*   
Seph: Heaven's wish to destroy all minds... Holy Explo- Oops! Wrong line! I mean... SUPERNOVA!   
*The SuperNova summons animation begins and, eventually, ends and hits Edward*   
Edward: Damn! It's my turn, but I'm a frog! How can I attack now?   
*Edward hits Seph, taking off a measly 1 hp*   
Seph: Ha ha! My CT again!   
Edward: No! Have mercy! I beg you!   
Seph: Hm... let me think a moment...   
*Seph ponders*   
Edward: Well?   
Seph: I'm thinking.   
*Seph ponders some more*   
Edward: Well?   
Seph: Quiet! I'm still thinking!   
Cloud: Hurry it up! I'd like to see Aeris before I die.   
Cait: But if you die...   
Barret: Shu'up, cat!   
*Seph continues to ponder*   
Seph: Aha!   
Edward: Well?   
Seph: Ah... no.   
*Seph hits Edward with Deen, killing him*   
Yuffie: Oh my god, he, like, killed that bard and stuff.   
Cait: You spoony bastard.   
*Seph glares at Cait, who shuts up*   
Seph: Anyway, back to business. Clones... 1... 2... 3...   
*Seph cuts down the clones in one fluid motion*   
Seph: Anytime now.   
*The two figures (Elmdor and Alucard) die and turn into Lifestream. Suddenly, Lifestream flows all around the group, and eventually converges into one form*   
Cloud: Aeris!   
Aeris: I'm back!   
Tifa: Damn! Damn damn! Damn it!   
Yuffie: Like, I could just cry and stuff.   
Cid: Here's a tissue- Hey! My !@#$ing materia's gone!   
Yuffie: Sorry!   
Cid: You !@#$ing little thief!   
Cait: She's only 16... you shouldn't talk that way to her...   
Cid: Shut the !@#$ up, you stuffed Shinra piece of !@$#!   
Barret: You damn Shinra!   
Aeris: Well... it sure is good to be back... Waitaminute! Limos... mansions... floors of gold... pearly gates... I was in heaven! You spoony jerks!   
Edward: Don't... call me... spoony...   
*Edward teleports away*   
Seph: I thought he was dead.   
T.G. Cid: He must have hung around Altima enough to learn the Tactics Villain Escape Teleport Spell.   
Seph: Well, don't that-   
*Rei appears*   
Rei: Don't that just beat all?   
*Rei disappears*   
Seph: I was going to say that. You damn tiger!   
Cloud: Well, Aeris is alive, Seph is good guy, and everything's back to normal. I guess this is the end.   
Daravon: Off course!   
Locke: But you know Altima will return to wreak more havoc.   
Cid: How do you !@#$ing know that?   
Locke: The author told me. Thanks, Rob!   
Booming voice: No prob.   
Cloud: Anyway, you make a pretty decent good guy, Seph. You're okay, I guess.   
Barret: Are you nuts? He burned down ya damn hometown, foo'!   
Cloud: Oh, yeah. Oh, well. You can't change the past. He seems like an okay guy now.   
Cid: I guess this is another !@#$ing happy ending then.   
Terra: Hold it! I didn't have one damn line! Not one!   
Cloud: You just had one.   
Terra: What? Oh... I guess I did.   
Barret: Just say bye, foo'!   
Cait: Bye, foo'!   
Cloud: So long!   
Seph: Join me... and the planet!   
Edgar: Later... give me call, ladies! *wink, wink*   
Cyan: See-eth thou later!   
Daravon: Bye tat are being good, off course!   
*Everyone waves*   
Seph: I have to have the last line... it's in my contract. Goodbye, all! 

THE END!


End file.
